Hi Ophelia,
How are you? Daily, I wonder how you’re doing. I know you’re hurting, I know you’re confused, I know you’re angry. So many times I wish I could take your heavy emotions upon my weakening shoulders, but from afar, I feel helpless to cure your sorrows. It’s any wonder you’re upset with me. There are so many questions that have been left unanswered, so many presumptions, and dare I say it, so many misunderstandings. This unwanted, unasked for grief & frustration is a beast that likely swallows you whole. I’m sorry. As arrogant as it sounds, I would honestly do anything to ensure that you don’t have to endure these thoughts day after day, year after year.
At the same time, as Craig Silvey points out, “…we don’t get to grieve without first having loved.” You’ve been loved, and are loved. You’ve been cherished, and are still admired & adored. Your photo is on so many shelves back in Melbourne. Your art and smile adorns our fridges, too.
I get it though, there are so many “what ifs?” so many parts we don’t understand, so many questions left unanswered. You were so very young, so tender, so innocent when this was all playing out in the courts of Japan. The best we can hope for is that this mess devastates us less and less as the clock ticks – that also sounds presumptuous. We can never forget (I certainly can’t), nor inoculate ourselves to the constant niggle that tugs at our heart, prods our mind, tortures our soul. From experience, I know that the anguish is cyclical, it returns sometimes when you least expect it. But, we can forgive, and when we forgive, we can start putting this behind us. We can begin building a fresh start, but never allow anyone, no matter how much they claim to love you take you away from who you are. What you are. You are unique. As a child you were perfectly bilingual. You had aunts in Melbourne and Tokyo. You had grandparents in Australia & Japan. You being comfortable with your own identity is fundamental to your future wellbeing.
All you can do in the meantime is control the things in your sphere. Love the one you’re with, look out for your friends, be the person your dog thinks you are, and scoop peanut butter straight from the jar. Forgive your mum and give her the love and support she needs.
Dads are not always goofy and embarrassing. They grow too. They mellow, smile more, and learn to listen. I’ve needed my dad (your Pa) more as I’ve gotten older. He’s always been there for me, even now, I’m still his eldest son. As your life progresses, I hope that’s not the case for you. But, as life moves forward there are greater holes to mend, deeper wells to fill, so I am hopeful that from my many mistakes throughout my life I might have sustained some wisdom. I want to be that person for you. Oh, and another thing, don’t trust anyone who is nice to you but rude to the waiter.
It’s okay to be vulnerable, but it’s equally important to be kind. Don’t be too hard on yourself. To better enable you to be that person I think you have to be connected with who you are. You have to be free to find your identity. Additionally, you need to not waste time and energy focusing on things you can’t control, and focus on what YOU can control. To love ourselves unconditionally we have to cut ourselves some slack. We need to unshackle our hearts and minds from the expectations and shame of others. Forget perfection or meeting someone else’s expectations. It’s not easy, in fact it’s a constant struggle. You need to identify what’s within your control and stop fighting what’s outside it. Find purpose and serve others. I’ve written this to you before, be interested, not interesting. Think about that next time you post to social media.
Part of me hopes you’ve become fearlessly independent, so you won’t need any guidance from your dad. Besides, who am I to talk about parenting or relationships? Even so, I think it’s important that you find the strength to confront the emotions you shield yourself from. It’s super important that you can answer & are comfortable with this question: “Who am I? Never stop searching for answers to all the other questions you may have been afraid to ask. Memories. Experiences. Adventures. Hardships.
I wonder if our memories intersect? We used to go to parks together. We’d ride the whirly-twirly together, play hide ‘n’ seek, or I’d give you a whizzy-dizz. Do you recall these fantabulous expressions we once shared & took for granted? It was fun, just the two of us. Sometimes I wish it could all go back to the way it was. I was young & strong then. You could sit on my back while I did push-up after push-up. Now, my mature face is lined with wrinkles and my temples flecked with grey hair. I can’t remember the last time I banged out 100 push-ups. As you read this, I hope the corners of your mouth rise, giggling at my vanity.
Remember this, Phi – when we build our life, we shape it on those who preceded us. If our significant others are open, honest & loving individuals, it’s likely we’ll try walking in their footsteps. If they are generous, forgiving & kind, it’s likely we’ll reflect on their warmth & goodness too. Know me or not, we’re part of each other. Our paths have been intertwined & connected. Sometimes, you’ll be pained by our attachment. I’m sorry for that.
But don’t leave it too late to discover the truth. We can’t escape the truth, just as we can’t escape loss. Side-by-side, they can be all consuming. You lost a father. I lost a daughter. Seasons come & seasons go. Sometimes it’s time for hanabi, sometimes it’s a down jacket & nabe. Sometimes it’s sakura, sometimes it’s the rustic orange, yellow & brown of aki.
Phi, I love you to the moon and back.
“Is there anything higher?” you once asked.
“Yes, those stars.”
XoXo…
Love Dad
Here are some links that might interest you:
opheliaanddad 